I Want a Yin-Yang Tattoo, Part 1 (working title)

 “You’re still coming, right?”  

    Juliet released a deep sigh from her velour seat on the Peter Pan bus, simultanously trying to keep her mouth closed, lest she throw up. The sun was beating down on her through the window, and for every second of this bus ride, Juliet Whithers kicked herself for not choosing a seat on the other side of the aisle. She tried not to let the annoyance show in her voice when she replied to her sister: “Yes, Ava. I’ll be there.” She didn’t let the conversation go on for much longer after that, something she felt she earned through embarking on this tumultuous journey, thinking it would be best to save her energy for the evening. Juliet held her breath as her bus continued on its journey through the Lincoln Tunnel, and then she tried to let it go, because this was about shaking old habits, but a knot remained snug in her chest. 

    It was their parents’ joint birthday and everyone was getting older, and Juliet wanted to desperately show how much things had changed for her... and just how much she was unaffected by it all. Things had changed for everyone, though, so it wasn't like it should be hard. Her parents' birthday was once infamous, with second-cousins-twice-removed and old college buddies driving in from all across the nation, but the last time that actually happened was when Juliet was still worrying about the science fair. But it wasn't like she wasn’t some short-fused teen anymore, oh no. Juliet’s self-imposed mission for this trip was to prove her separation in a way that wasn’t so much as volatile as it was stern, not so immature as it was reasonable. Which would be, how exactly? Well, by showing up, of course. Duh. Juliet grimaced as she struggled to cross her right leg over her left. Showing up and staying quiet. She changed her mind, opting instead for left over right. She sighed again, thankful she didn’t have anyone sitting next to her. She liked having the ten hours to herself, to put her head against the window without anyone staring at her for doing that, because everyone who’s taken public transportation before knew, putting your head on the window of a bus was just unpleasant- not at all the relaxing experience you’d think it would be. 

    Juliet thought about her sister, not necessarily willing the bus to move faster. Juliet thought about how her sister was on the other end of this trek, probably doing the exact same thing. For a different reason, of course, but still. It was often that Ava was more worried about herself, and how someone would act toward her, rather than what her part was in the whole. At least, that’s what Juliet thought. That Ava was selfish? There, fine.  

+

Juliet’s bus sputtered to a stop just as she sputtered awake. She came to to the whistling of wheels and screeching of metal, and a glance to the left confirmed her suspicions-- Fuck, it looks freezing out. Juliet scrambled to put on her coat, feeling awkward as her elbows bumped into the back of her seat. The seat next to her seemed to have remained empty; Thank god, because she sort of resented waking up on public transportation to realize that someone is now sitting next to you. Why would you even think to sit next to a sleeping person anyway? Who does that. Juliet made sure to grab her swollen tote bag from the floor as she rose to wait for her turn to file out of the bus and onto the rest stop pavement. What was a rest stop to everyone else, technically. 

    There wasn’t exactly a fire under her ass, either, no. Juliet made sure she was the last person to step down those three stairs, keeping her head down as she did it, not feeling up for any sort of convivial interaction with neither the bus driver nor her travelers in arms. She pushed past the passengers whose stop was not this one, whose stop was not Syracuse... they were the lucky ones, Juliet thought. They still had some time to kill before having to deal with her sister and the prickly tension that paired so well with her presence. She pushed past riders who were clustering around the teat of the bus, the passengers whose stop was Syracuse, and ducked into the underbelly, spotting her duffel right away.  

    Once she stepped out of the immediate way, she checked her phone for the “leaving now” text from her sister that she might have missed while she was snoozing. I hope I missed it, at least. Nothing... which wasn’t exactly unexpected. What the hell is the matter with her...  Fear and irritation crept up the back of Juliet's neck, warming her face in the cold air—her sister had not appeared yet, had not texted either, and Juliet wasn’t that much of a monster... At least something within her wasn’t. Juliet couldn’t tell if the whispers ricocheting about her skull were her own thoughts she made up, or of an entity entirely separate from herself, invading her psyche  What if she got into a car wreck and the last thing you thought about was how much of a bitch she was?  But, the only way to get something over with is to get it started. The sooner this week began, the sooner it ended. Alright, let’s go... all but tapping her foot, Juliet hauled her duffel onto the sidewalk, and whipped out her phone for a second time.  

where are u 

No immediate response. Juliet tried again. Fuck the five courtesy minutes... when do I ever get five minutes of courtesy? 

im here im outside...  

its cold 

Where r u ava 

Juliet stuffed a hand into her pocket and began to lug her bags toward the door, intent on relocating indoors and eating some pretzels in the nice, warm, tiled hall. I fucking hate rest stops. Juliet tried not to let the smell get to her as she stood in the mouth of the automatic doors. She watched small blond children chase each other back and forth in their small puffer coats. Juliet made her way to a metal bench when one of the blonds ran smack into her, and began to whimper. Juliet shrugged the kid off and plopped her stuff down. She kept an eye on her pile as she walked over to one of the many vending machines and cursed when she found that she had nothing in her wallet, nothing on her Apple Pay, no stray coins in her back pocket. She tried not to cry right there.  

Ava come on 

seriously? 

She did begin crying, however, when her sister failed to immediately text her back for the second time, despite the fact that she was the one slated to pick her up this afternoon. Juliet had been going since 4 in the morning... Come on... I wanna to go home. She let herself put her head in her hands, since those people were letting their children run rampant, so who fucking cares anymore, and let the tears slip past her eyelashes and wet her palms. She jumped when she felt her phone vibrate through her coat. Immediately, she fumbled for it, pissed it was a phone call, not caring to hide her tears any longer.  

    “Ava, where are you." punctuated by a contained sniff. 

    “Oh wow, no hello?” Ava crooned into the speaker while tears slid down Juliet's cheeks. “Hi Juliet! How are you, how was the bus ride?” She sounded like she was underwater. Juliet could see her sister pulling out of the driveway now, haphazardly checking for cars coming down their street. The tinny sound of pop music reverberated in Juliet's inner ear. 

    Her sister's sing-songing made her sick. “Hi Ava.”  

    “Hi.” Ava’s frustrating lilt disappeared once met with Juliet’s terseness. Juliet didn’t care about whether she was hurting feelings or not, she was hungry and tired and already angry at her family for driving her to do any of this but failing to do so literally. Juliet tried not to scream, due to the fact that her plan to prove her aloof maturity did not include tantrums in a public space. Besides, Juliet, you are an adult now. Get it together. Yet again I’m the one who’s saving face, she was again thinking about how she must be the only one in the entire world who is even a little concerned with “saving face”.  

    “Ava, where the fuck are you? My bus got here like 20 minutes ago,” and then, when she heard what sounded like the heat being cranked on and up, “Have you even left yet? I want to go home, like...” Juliet dribbled out hopelessly because, she knew, Ava had not left yet.  “I told you my bus would be here at 2 PM, it was on the ticket. The one I forwarded to you? It was all we talked about when we made those plans...?” Juliet was interrupted by a car honking outside. Oh she needs to go fuck herself. There’s no fucking way. She hung up the phone without listening for a response, knowing she wasn't getting one over the phone and so sick of wasting time either way. She stuffed her phone into her pocket, stood up, and began to lug her shit outside.  

    She heard the car honk again. Juliet didn’t do anything to stop tears from falling down her cheeks and landing in the halo of her scarf. Who cares if her sister saw her? Who cares if anyone sees anything at all? Her sister waved from the drivers’ seat as Juliet approached, smiling wide, but Juliet snubbed her, and averted her way to the trunk instead.  

    As she slammed the trunk shut, Juliet realized she was peeved to sit in the front, next to Ava, not that she was surprised. Not so peeved that she would sit in the back and make her own sister play Lyft driver. No, that’s only something that Ava would do to their parents as a teenager. Often. So, Juliet slid into the front seat of Ava’s Honda, refusing to look in her direction, though she felt her four eyes on her.  

    “I hate when you do that.” Juliet started. “You've always done that, or something like that, or whatever, fuck, I don't care. I don’t think it’s a funny “thing”, or whatever, to be, what is effectively, stood up.”  I can’t take this.Why aren’t we moving.  

    “I didn’t stand you up,” Ava smugly replied as she put the car into drive, as she twitched her glasses up her nose.“I left on time, I can’t help if there’s traffic, little Juliet.” Little Juliet felt like leaning over and yanking the wheel, all the way to the right. Wow fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck YOU, AVA.  

    “You literally can help it if there’s traffic. It’s this weird thing called leaving early. I do it all the time, and somehow I manage. In fact, I even partook in the act today! At four in the fucking morning.” Juliet felt a buzzing in her face as she continued with her rant. She felt her voice become gravelly as she got louder. “You weren’t going on a road trip- you were driving across town.” Ava cringed, pulling a shoulder up to her ear. Juliet scoffed too hard, cringing as phlegm slid down her throat. “I mean, get real. God, I should’ve stayed the fuck home.” Juliet needed a cigarette. 

    “Don’t say that, Juliet. You’re here, I’m here. What else do you want from me? I don’t have magic traffic powers, my car doesn't fly. Sorry, okay? Okay.” Ava apologized without taking her eyes off the road. It didn’t sound like she was sorry, more like she was relenting to Juliet’s moody disposition. Juliet wasn’t someone that cared for safety measures when it came to emotional communication, which she thought perfectly explained their sisterly relationship over the years. She didn’t need it to be revealed to her that Ava thought she was delusional and unhinged: Ava had revealed it herself, long ago. Juliet reared up for an excruciating car ride and placed her cell in her lap, ready to air out any of her grievances to her friends back in Boston at a moment’s notice.   

    “So,” Ava started, jerking to a stop. 8 more minutes. “How’s life?” Juliet couldn’t be more thankful for the fact that her childhood home was only a 15-minute trip from the bus stop, but even with this factor in mind, she was unable to separate the attitude from her sighs. She hated that question almost as much as she hated, “What are you reading?” 

    “What kind of question is that, Ava? I don’t know, fine. Life is fine. Nothing's happened.” Of course, there were plenty of things that happened that Juliet could spin a superficial yarn about. But, again, with the stereotypes. Something whispered stagnancy, over and over, the hiss pulsing in Juliet’s inner ear.  

    Ava droned on, but Juliet let the whispers and snatches of hissed manras wash over her as she gazed out of the passenger window, allowing her mind to swim on its own. Family meant stagnancy, regression, oppression, oblivion, homophobia... and this was something about her life that Juliet had only figured out and accepted very recently. That last one was the biggest reason Juliet had such an aversion to her family, though she was too embarrassed, almost, to admit it. The word felt tacky to even think up, but then again, think about that Echo Chamber you’re in... Juliet resented any reminder of it. That she was just as gullible as anyone else, her brain just as pliable. Am I getting inspiration from my phone, or is my phone getting inspiration from me? She wanted to be asked about Sara so badly but knew that her family was too uncomfortable to bring her up, yet, were also too uncomfortable to admit their discomfort. So this is what it's like outside the Echo Chamber. Juliet quietly shoved her phone into her pocket and resumed her rumination. It just sounds so stupid... it’s not 1985... it’s not like people are actually bullied anymore for not being gay... are wedgies even a thing anymore?... what “new-age" gay person actually cares about homophobia?... but Juliet, don’t you see that that’s the issue? You don’t make a big stink, they die.... you die... we’ve seen Rent haven’t we, because I think we have and we all know what it’s about and you’re just lucky you’re a lesbian and not a gay man... but how lucky are you, really? 

+

“Juliet,” Ava just had to interrupt Juliet’s train of thought, much to both the girls’ irritation. “Get out of the car.” When Juliet pulled her eyes from her sister’s face, she found that they had arrived at their destination. But she was drained; Juliet couldn’t catch a break, between the actual trip across the New York State itself and the necessary thought spiral... Juliet felt like a headhunter, or Jung, and she definitely felt schizophrenic. Nobody is thinking about every detail this much... except at least one person always is...never let them see you sweat. Get out of the car! She struggled to unbuckle her seatbelt, struggled to find her footing on the pavement. She hadn’t used her legs in what had to be 12 hours now. This must be what self-harm is when you’re not a cutter, which made Juliet smile to herself as she struggled to lift her duffel out of the trunk. That one, she knew, was borne of her, no doubt about it. She almost waited for her sister’s assistance, before remembering just how incapable Ava was when it came to common courtesy, common sense... God doesn’t she know about anything, how has she lived this long? She doesn’t even pull out her own chairs, and she’s single.The girls made their way up the driveway, one of them walking slowly, to account for the cargo.  

    Speaking of. “Have you spoken to Daniel recently?” Juliet asked the back of Ava’s head. She knew the answer, that the two were not together at the moment. Hadn’t been together for the last couple of weeks. Won’t be together for the foreseeable future. Juliet had weaseled that answer out of her sister during one of their strained FaceTimes. Sometimes, Juliet would smoke a bowl, remember what it was like to get along with her sister- like how there was once a time when Ava and Juliet would sing along to the Beach Boys together in the car- and then she’d pick up her phone call her before she could change her mind... only to have her mellow harshed... deeply, and every time. Whether or not Ava did it on purpose, any time Juliet rang, the conversation would die out after the first two exchanges. It was like Ava refused to reminisce, or maybe Juliet figured they just valued different memories now. The thought spiral that often spun out of this scenario was just a circle.  Juliet didn’t call too much anymore. Hardly ever felt compelled to.  

    “He’s fine,” Ava loitered at the top of the porch steps as she waited for Juliet. “Why?” Ava crossed her arms. Rushing me?

    “No reason,” Juliet shrugged as best she could. “Just curious as to how life was, I guess.” Ava stuck her key in the front door and walked in, leaving Juliet to squeeze through the threshold in her wake. 

    “We’re back!” Ava called out, kicking off her slides. Juliet’s scarf was choking her now, here in the stuffiness of the foyer.  

    “I’m going to my room!” Juliet called out once she made it in.  She stood, letting her duffel drop to the floor, catching her breath.  Her sister spun on her heels, already halfway down the hall. Juliet offered her a quizzical look, a mean and mocking one, because what say do you have? It’s not their birthday just yet, relax... and it is definitely not cold enough outside for it to be at least 82 degrees in here. Having collected her bearings enough, and unwinding her scarf, Juliet hoisted her duffel back onto her shoulder, pushed past her sister, and trudged up the stairs. Juliet didn’t hear Ava’s footfalls behind her, and was taken aback when she turned around to close her bedroom door and was confronted by her sister’s being there.  

    “Jesus, Ava.” Juliet dropped her bag in surprise, nudged it into her room. “What do you want, why are you being creepy.” Juliet fully entered her room, making way for Ava, stepping over her duffel, and sat at her desk.  

    “Why aren’t you saying hi to mom and dad?” Ava asked, petulantly. Juliet couldn’t hide the contempt she felt when she saw Ava’s crossed arms. What a fucking baby. She got up from her desk after realizing she had nothing to do there, and so then flopped onto her bed, belly-first. She just wanted to rest her eyes, Ava, don’t you understand that? Just that one simple thing? Can you just understand it, please? “Hello,” Ava leant over and jabbed a finger into Juliet’s thigh, who yowled and swung an open palm in the direction of the offender. “Why?” Ava asked without nudging this time. 

    Juliet thought it would be very obvious as to why she wasn’t saying hello to her mother and father. Because they don’t see me as a real person and I’m only here to sing happy birthday and dip as a matter of closure and making amends before they die and I die and we all die. Juliet snorted to herself before answering out loud: “I’m tired. Just like, extremely tired.” She rolled over, hoping that Ava would get the hint and dismiss herself.  

    “Too tired to sit down? Because that’s all it is. It’s literally just sitting down. Sitting down and eating.”  

    “Ava, do you not understand that I’ve been sitting all day? Get out, please, and if it makes you feel any better, I’ll be at the breakfast table. So.”  

    “Okay, but. It’s their birthday.” 

    “No, Ava, it’s not.” Juliet flipped onto her back, propelled by her frustration. “It is not their literal birth day, and so, I feel perfectly fine not being there for what is not their birthday dinner.” She looked at Ava. “Is that a better answer for you?” 

    Ava blinked. “That’s kinda mean, no?” and then she was gone before she could see Juliet’s indifferent half-shrug, having left without pulling the door closed behind her. Juliet didn’t care to get up from her position to close it, nor did she care to raise her voice and cause a scene and so she just lay there, in the middle of her bed, waiting for the sun to set and her room to darken and the shadows to stretch across the furniture and floorboards. She couldn’t find it in her to groan in annoyance or curse her sister out... she really was tired. Besides, the only response there was a chance of her receiving would probably just be a request to stop.  

    Juliet was a stuffed animal in her own childhood home, which she found ironic because she hated stuffed animals as a kid. That’s the opinion she took on once it was made clear by their parents that she would not be getting the latest Build-A-Bear or American Girl Doll of the Year, at least. Those things took up too much real estate on the bed, or maybe I didn’t have a vibrant enough imagination, or maybe I really was not to be trusted to care for anything that was even close to being alive, they didn't think I was warm enough. She just figured this must be how one of those things felt; used till the tatter, the wear and tear, took over and then disregarded. Rembered differently, but fondly in spite of her changes, and disappointingly so when those around her came to realize she was of totally different make-up now. Like being filled with beads instead of stuffing.